A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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