It was like getting head from an anaconda
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
