I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
