Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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