Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
