i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
