she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
