Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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