I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
