That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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