clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
