just tell him i said nine months
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
