even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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