I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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