I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
