Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
