thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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