Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
