I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
