Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
