I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
