I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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