I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
