just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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