Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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