if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
