I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
i need to put some appletini on your dick
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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