If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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