I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
