And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Floor bacon is actually really good
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
