I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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