I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
