Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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