one word: firstdatebathroomanal
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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