hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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