My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
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