i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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