When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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