Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
just found out that she named her cat after me.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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