I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Dignity is for republicans.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
