suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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