I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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