I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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