Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Hippo gnu deer
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
