So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
