the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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