got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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