Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
