He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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