Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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